Getting it out

I had hoped the day would not come where I would be sharing this story, but here goes...

Yesterday we said goodbye to our precious unborn child. As I have pictured the events of my life I never imagined that we would have anything other than a normal pregnancy when we decided to start our family. I guess I thought I was immune. And I guess I was wrong. The past several weeks have been nothing but an emotional roller coaster as we watched God's plans for our lives at this time unfold.

June 12 we were surprised to find out that we were expecting. We were not "trying." As a matter of fact, about two months earlier I had a conversation with God about my plan to have a baby by age 30 and how it may not be His plan. Through tears, I put it in His hands. Finding out we were pregnant was such a shock, but I KNEW it had to be God's will for us and after getting over the initial overwhelming feelings, I was excited. We were expecting to have a new addition to our family in February of 2010, a few months before my 30th birthday.

We chose to tell our families on Father's Day. It seemed fitting and we already had a trip planned to visit my parents whom we see less frequently. It was also Father's Day that I noticed some light spotting and spurred me to call the doctor that next day (Monday.) For the next two weeks I was "sentenced" to my bed. The doctor suspected I may miscarry due to low HCG and progesterone levels. We started progesterone supplements that day also. They watched my levels every other day and did ultrasound after ultrasound. While my progesterone began to rise adequately, my HCG levels were only rising by small amounts and we continued to only see a gestational sac on the ultrasound.

In the midst of all of this, on Wednesday, July 2, Michael lost his job. I immediately assumed it was God's plan for us to lose the baby because our finances would be tight. On Thursday, July 3, as we headed to what my doctor thought would be our last ultrasound, she said it was "virtually impossible" for us to see a heartbeat. Much to everyone's surprise, especially the doctor's, we saw AND heard a heartbeat that day. It was such a beautiful sound - a really moving experience. And because Michael wasn't tied down to his job, he was able to be there and see it all with me. The doctor continued to be skeptical, and I continued to believe God was sovereign. The doctor planned to continue watching us closely, as the HCG levels meant that clinically, we should not be seeing a baby. The following Monday I had another ultrasound, and the heartbeat was still present. My HCG level, however, had begun to drop. Yesterday's ultrasound was the one I never expected. As the image moved around the screen I scanned all over trying to see our baby's heartbeat, but it was nowhere to be found. My heart sunk. Was this REALLY God's plan after ALL we've been through in these few weeks?? The HCG levels had dropped so significantly that we knew we'd lost our precious little one and had to prepare to say goodbye. After discussion with the doctor and prayer, we chose to accept the D&C, as we felt it would be best for us emotionally and physically.

This experience has certainly brought Michael and I closer to each other and strengthened our relationship(s) with God. Michael has kept the house together, kept the cats taken care of, and most definitely taken care of me physically and emotionally. I could not have asked for a better man to be by my side during all of this.

I pray that none of you ever experience this type of pain, but if you do, I want you to know you aren't alone, and I'm willing to share more details of our experience if you would find them helpful. I continue to believe God is still on His throne, orchestrating a perfect plan for our lives. While I still don't understand why this has happened to us, I know that He is preparing us for something more awesome than we could expect.

We will never forget our "Glory Baby."