Mother's Day Brain Dump

Hmm... Looks like it has been a LONG time since I posted to my blog.  Guess that's what being a Mommy will do for you, especially when you weren't very diligent about posting to begin with.

All weekend I've been feeling the need to brain dump.  My heart and mind have been bursting with all sorts of emotion - feelings of extreme happiness, pride, and even sadness, with random other emotions in between.

While I have always cherished the opportunity to dedicate one special day out of the year to reminding my own mother how much I love and appreciate her, I never grasped how special the day could be until I became a mom and celebrated my first Mother's Day three years ago.

I love my children with the kind of love that can not be contained in a human heart.  It's so much bigger than that.  Every day is kind of like Mother's Day for me, because I feel like the most special person in the world that God chose me to look after these two precious people while they are on Earth (and eventually they will probably take care of me!)  They are the only two people in the world that have heard my heartbeat from the inside.  They are the only two people that call me mommy and mama.

I look at them, and I think "what did I do to deserve this?"  (And I don't mean that in a bad way. ha!)  Don't get me wrong.  There are moments when my children can make me a crazy woman.  The three year old - she can be as sassy as it gets.  She's so independent.  She does NOT want to wear those shorts or those shoes.  She wants to wear THESE shoes.  And most of the time - I let her - because she's discovering things about herself and her style, but there are some days when Mommy has an outfit in mind and is determined that is what she will wear.  Only occasionally is bribing involved.  Now, the 8 month old - he's as sweet as they come, and a true momma's boy.  Mommy is super patient with him most of the time.  But sometimes, usually in the wee hours of the morning, he does not want to go right back to sleep after one of his many night nursing sessions.  Mommy loves getting to nurse him - it's a bond like no other - but sometime Mommy really, really needs sleep.  Really.  Just a little sleep.  And it really should not require a straight jacket to wipe a child's nose.  The boy is so strong and stubborn when it comes to that.  And I'm really not fond of the sweet potato shower he likes to give me when he's blowing raspberries during mealtime.  There are plenty of other moments, moments when Mommy is more tired than usual, or just generally less patient than usual - but if I feel a need to complain, I make a conscious effort to keep it to myself.

See I'm really a mommy three times over.  I have two beautiful children on earth, and one sweet angel child in Heaven with Jesus - my first child.  I often wonder what that child would have been like.  I often think what fun it would have been for Madison to have a big brother or sister because she loves to play with kids bigger than her.  And I can remember the extreme heartache I felt when that child went to be with Jesus before I ever got to meet him/her.  Indescribable pain.  Even now as I think about it my heart just pounds harder and aches a little.  I remember the feeling in the months that followed and as we tried with no success to get pregnant again - thinking it will never happen.  I remember how painful Mother's Day was that next year.  So every year when Mother's Day rolls around, I say an extra prayer for my friends who struggle with fertility and those I don't know, and throughout the year I am mindful of their pain and think twice before I complain about what my kids are doing to drive me bonkers or the stress I feel because I remember what is was like to want nothing more than to have a child to drive me crazy and make my days a little less sane, but a lot more fun.  And by getting my thoughts out here, I'm hopeful that it will help someone else who has been where I've been.  I pray it gives you hope that one day God will bless you with your own child or a precious little one who needs the love of a family that only you can give them.  He will turn your mourning into dancing ...and lack of sleep, and silly songs, and spit-up, those early weeks of motherhood when you can't remember if you've showered or brushed your teeth, the nights when your toddler will never fall asleep (but two hours later when they wake up scared you get the blessing of comforting them), first smiles, first words, first trips to the ER for stitches, unnecessary bandaids, patched up puppy dogs, more laundry to be washed than is imaginable, leaky diapers, and pee-pee in the potty dances.

Feel free to share this with someone else if you think it will help them and thanks for letting me share a little tiny piece of my life with you.